I go to a catholic highschool which means, ofcourse, stupid uniforms to show people how "Neat and Tidy" we are. Luckily today, we were given a dress down day, something fun we get to do every once in a while. I decide to go into school wearing a white V-neck tee shirt, low cut tight destroyed jeans, and my coach slippers. My hair was hard (from my gel) and suprisingly wavy from braiding it after my shower. My makeup was applied to perfection and, for once in a very long time, I felt pretty. That is, untill I saw him... I have a boyfriend, Mike, and he is truly amazing. Skater stlyed dirty blond hair, green eyes to die for, and a body to with the whole package. He's every girl's dream, and I should be the luckiest girl in the world, right? But that's the problem... I'm not. When I saw Matt today, an extremley close friend of mine who has had a crush on me since the first day of school (and maybe still does), I swear I almost died. In our uniform, sure, he looked alittle geeky, but it was still cute. Today, he looked like a Hollister Model: His short redish hair was shaggy infront of his face, his green eyes were the most vivid color I have ever seen, and his body, Oh my god, I thought, This has to be a sin. He just looked amazing and now I really want him. My boyfriend is amazing, I'm not going to lie, but sometimes I just want to cry after talking to him. I don't want to dump him because;
1. I love him, I really do 2. If I break it off, he'll never talk to me again. I'm scared of what might happen. 3. He's still my best friend. 4. I don't want to break it off if im not completley unhappy with everything.
This isn't happening becasue of Matt. No, Matt is just another realization that maybe I wasn't meant for Mike, or maybe this is God's way to see just how screwed up I really am. Thanks God, I really appreciate the temptations.
"...cutting helps them control their emotional pain, psychologists say."
This was was taken off from an article about cutting. I read it through atleast three times, and I have to say that, sure, I agree with some of it, but also some i found can be total bullshit. I've been cutting for about four years now (I'm 15) and I can tell you this: I am not a part of the "Goth" culture. Honestly, that's insulting. I know it's a bad habit... Well, worse than that, but anyone who is "Goth" doesn't nesecarily(sp?) do it. Anyway, cutting goes beyond the feeling of being able to control your emotional pain. It gives you the feeling of almost acomplishment and power. My parents adore my younger sister and are always trying to get me to be EXACTLY like her. They give her all the freedom in the world and yet here I am, the older sister in the family, and I'm not even allowed to have a boy over my house. Cutting gives you the power of being in control of just your body and your soul. For once it's all your doing, no one is forcing you to do anything. Cutting reminds you that your alive, and yet it takes your life away from you aswell. It's like when you take drugs: The thrill and adreneline rush you get when you feel the cool, metal blade against your skin. The way your heart pounds through your chest as the skin breaks and the vibrant red blood slowly leaks out of the (not always) small cut. Sure, It might sound disgusting and sick, but if you're just like me, this is the most amazing feeling in the world.
I feel like such a screw up because of this... but it's a true addiction, one that is way past fixing.
I'm gonna finish this later, I just gotta get off now.
Do you ever feel like this? Like there is absolutley no changing the way you are, no matter how hard you try. I honestly don't know what to do anymore... It's like I'm perfect at being imperfect. I feel fat, ugly, and just plain stupid. I feel like I don't deserve anything good that comes my way, and yet everyone else says otherwise. These feelings overwhelm me alot, and sometimes (well, most of the time) I'm just not sure how to deal with them. No matter what I try, it always comes out the same way... blood everywhere, screams echoing through my head, tears streaming down my face. It's horrible, it really is, but I just can't stop.
Ahh I wish this would go away. Isn't a boyfriend supposed to make you feel beautiful? I love him, I really do, but even he doesn't feel this huge whole in my heart. Maybe If I could just find a way to make life seem worthwhile, just to find a reason for being alive, maybe then I could stop. Ha...